dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
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My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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