the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
