my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
