You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
