i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
