dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
