Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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