I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
