The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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