you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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