She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I want her autograph on my taint
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
