Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
