do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
