you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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