He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
