I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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