I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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