someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
even my farts smell like vagina
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
