I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
