you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
