I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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