i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
