Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
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I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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