The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
