He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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