I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
