there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
