You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
