I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
