I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
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With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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