my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
