Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I would fuck him just for his dog
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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