I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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