Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
