i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
