i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
As shirtless as possible
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
