pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
