in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
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I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
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Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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