Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
