need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
