So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
