bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
