You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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