My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
