does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
