just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
