her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
foreskin is a definite game changer
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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