Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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