I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
