Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
