Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
