Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
