I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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