she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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