Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
