I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
