bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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