I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
