The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
