So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
