The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
