well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
