Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
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Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
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All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.