My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too