peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
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I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?